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Something I Can Never Have [back at Duo’s apartment…] "Knight to A4." "Queen takes rook." "Knight takes bishop. Checkmate." "Dammit! Now that was just mean!" Even if Duo now used his queen to take the knight, it wouldn’t matter because directly across the board – with no pieces in its way – was Trowa’s patiently waiting queen. And he was blocked from all angles. He couldn’t believe his own stupidity. Trowa leaned back, not quite smirking, but the expression on his face wasn’t far from it either. Heero, on the other hand, was leaning in the doorway, smirk quite prominent on his face. "You weren’t paying enough attention Duo. You should have seen that coming a mile away. You didn’t follow up on the knight, baka." "Yeah, yeah, I know it." Duo muttered, getting out of his seat at the table. "I’m getting a drink – you guys want anything?" Trowa shook his head and Heero grunted, but after years of working and living together, he was fluent in their sort of language. Duo walked into the kitchen, letting the door swing shut behind him. The small kitchen didn’t really need a door, but the previous tenants had put one in. Duo was now grateful for that as it allowed him a moment of privacy from the lovebirds. Opening the fridge, he grabbed a can of beer and tapped the top before opening it with a satisfying /snick/. Still standing in front of the open fridge, he tipped his head back and gulped the liquid down, not caring that some dribbled down the side of his mouth. When he stopped there was about half a can left. He closed the fridge and turned toward the sink opposite the door. He used the back of his hand to wipe away the beer that had spilled and lifted the still-cold can up to his forehead. He had a headache, but it wasn’t from the chess match. It’s true he hadn’t been paying much attention. How could he pay attention with both Heero AND Trowa in his cramped apartment? They’d been here for a few nights already and while he couldn’t say he wished they weren’t there, their presence had been playing merry hell with his mind, his emotions… his libido. It was hell to watch them touch. Not that they fondled each other in front of him or anything (although he didn’t think he’d protest much if it *did* happen), but they touched each other with the ease and familiarity of long-time lovers. God, he was jealous. He wanted to take part in that. He wanted to have the right to do that. The can soon numbed his forehead. He wished it would have numbed his brain, too. Then he wouldn’t suffer this torture all the time. At least Shi-chan was having fun. The cat now had three lovesick pilots to cater to her every need. Duo remembered how he loved to play with her. He just kept forgetting to take care of the minor things like food and hygiene. But with Heero and Trowa looking after her needs, he was free to have as much fun with her as he wanted. Shi-chan seemed to agree. Duo heard the door swing open and turned around in time to see Trowa coming into the kitchen. "What’s up Trowa, change your mind about a drink?" "No," the other pilot said. "It’s time to put out Shi-chan’s lunch." Duo lowered the beer can and smiled. "You guys are so good with her. I’m glad I gave her to you. If she’d stayed with me, she’d either be half-starved or dead by now." Trowa paused in mid-reach for the CatNip, then continued the motion smoothly. He took the can and opened it with a can opener, upending it onto a plastic dish with "Shi-chan" written in Katakana on the side. "You really shouldn’t be so hard on yourself, Duo. I’m sure you would have found a way to keep her well." Trowa murmured softly. Duo didn’t reply. He was too busy staring at (and trying not to drool over) the way Trowa was moving about his kitchen with quiet efficiency. It was making him hard. As if he needed an excuse these days to get hard. It was pathetic. Trowa’s movements were so fluid, his catlike grace well-honed by his acrobatic abilities. Duo wondered what it’d be like in bed with him. "Goddammit!" Duo exploded. He *had* to stop thinking this way – it wasn’t going to get any easier. He still had another week with them! At this rate, wouldn’t be able to walk because of the rock in his pants. Trowa looked over calmly, completely oblivious to his affect on Duo's pulse rate and blood flow. "Something wrong, Duo?" "Nah, man. I just finished my beer is all." Blocking Trowa's view of the sink, he poured the contents of the rest of the can down the drain quickly, to make the words true. Trowa made a sound of disbelief. Duo looked up at Trowa in surprise. It sounded suspiciously like a "hn" but slightly different. Kind of like "hmmm." Trowa blushed a bit and explained, "I picked it up from Heero and I can’t seem to stop saying it." Duo laughed and the mood lightened. The kitchen door opened again. Heero stepped in with a curious look on his face. "What’s taking you guys so long?" He settled a hand possessively on Trowa’s hip and glared. Duo kept laughing – for all that Heero had changed, his underlying personality had stayed the same. "Hn." Heero grunted. Duo and Trowa looked at each other, in that moment understanding each other perfectly, and at the same time they both burst out laughing, leaving Heero to glare in confusion. Shi-chan padded into the kitchen to see what the ruckus was all about, and, like her first owner, to see what was delaying her lunch. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After another chess match -- which Duo lost, but not by a stupid mistake -- they got ready to go out. They had a lunch date to keep with Wufei, Sally, and Quatre. Those three had been visiting a big tourist site during the day, meeting Heero, Trowa and Duo for a late lunch, then wandering around the park that had been built at the center of the colony until dark. It seemed a bit alien to Duo -- having a large patch of green in the middle of what used to be a "metal and plastic only" colony. The area quickly became known as "Center Square" due to its location and shape. Duo had tried to tell the three bent on site-seeing that, after a few days, they were going to run out of sites to see, but they wouldn't listen. They were determined to see the sites (whatever they may be). Duo wouldn't have minded, but he wished they would hang around more so that he could catch up on their lives. Not to mention so that he wouldn't have to be alone with Heero and Trowa so much. Being with them was like a dream come true, except that he couldn't really be *with* them. In effect, he was being more moody than he'd ever been -- constantly swinging between ecstatic joy that they were here, depression that it would only last for another week, and anger that they'd intruded on his well-established routine. Then there was the happiness that he'd always have this time to remember when they go on with their lives, and despair that the memories were ALL he would have. Duo wished he could just set his feelings to the side like he’d half-accomplished during the war. But without that threat hanging over their heads, he seemed unable to do it. Resigning himself to a lifetime of torture in exchange for these two weeks of semi-happiness, he put on his black leather jacket and held the door open for both Trowa and Heero, locking the door behind them. They took the elevator to the garage underneath the building. Trowa and Heero had rented a small 2-door, compact car for their stay on L2. And Duo had decided to torture himself more by riding with them instead of having them follow his bike around town. He guessed he might be a closet masochist, the way this vacation was going. They got into the car and drove to the diner at the center of the downtown area, where they’d been meeting the others for the past few days. After parking the car along the street, they went into the diner. The glorified maitre d’ waived them toward the back where Quatre had already claimed a table. They sat a table for 6, with Quatre, Wufei and Sally on one side and Trowa, Heero and Duo on the other. The couples and the two singles sitting across from each other. Duo sat and tried not to feel like the proverbial fifth wheel as Quatre gave him sympathetic looks from across the table. It was an unusually chilly night for this point in the colony’s weather cycle. (Heero suspected it must be some new techs having fun with the weather controls or something.) So, Wufei, Sally and Quatre had all decided to forgo their nightly walk through the park in order to stay late and catch up on things. So they all took their time over lunch, alternately savoring the food and getting into long-winded conversations. The maitre d’ tried, unsuccessfully, to glare them out of the restaurant. But after Heero Yuy’s patented Glare of Death, how could a maitre d’s snobbish glare ever scare them? Duo fidgeted in his seat. The maitre d’s amateur glare wasn’t getting to him in the least, but his proximity to Heero was. He tried to ignore it as they dug into their desserts and continued talking. It didn’t work. He tried concentrating on the discussion, especially considering it was mostly for his benefit. He being the only one not caught up on the current affairs in their lives. But his mind kept going off in different directions. About Heero. About Trowa. About love. About death. About what he was going to do with the rest of his life after this vacation was over. His mind was swirling out of control and he couldn’t even seem to direct it anymore. He barely realized it when he saw that the others were looking at him oddly. Expectantly. "What?" "Duo. Sally asked if you agreed with her on Relena’s political refugee policy," Wufei said. Duo blinked, still in a bit of a confused state. He answered automatically. "Well I think ‘jo-san could take a few pointers from…" What? What was he talking about? "…from…" "Duo, are you okay?" Heero placed his hand on Duo’s shoulder. And suddenly he was at the breaking point. It was like the straw that broke the camel’s back. He jumped up, his seat scraping along the floor a bit as it was pushed back. Five startled faces looked up at him from their seats. "I’m… I can’t—" The worry on their faces was killing him. You can live with your decision to close yourself off from others, but it doesn’t help when the people you can’t protect against come back and test that decision with their mere presence. Duo couldn’t stand it anymore. Years of slowly closing himself off had left him unable to deal with the care he saw and felt from them. He just turned tail and ran. They quickly paid the check and left, finding the car exactly where they’d left it. So Duo must be walking. Trowa and Heero motioned for the others to go back to their motel, indicating that they would find out what was wrong with Duo. It had gotten dark since the beginning of their late lunch and Duo was now walking the lamp-lit streets, huddled into his leather jacket for warmth it couldn’t really provide. Even had the chill faded from his skin, he wouldn’t be able to escape the cold inside him. Everything was falling apart. His life, his mind… you name it, it was going. He didn’t know if he could take much more of this. He thought he had it under control. Really, he had. It was only a temporary torture. He could deal with it, he had before during the war. But emotional torture hurts so much more than physical pain, because the torturer is yourself. And you know exactly which points are your weak spots. And half of you is seduced, and gives in, all the while the other half assures you that you’ll be okay. But it’s all a lie. It’s so easy to lie to yourself. Several times Duo spotted a small car moving slowly through the streets, lights illegally off. But Duo knew he wasn’t ready to face them. So he slunk back into the shadows of the alleys he knew like the back of his hand. The ones he used to call home, before the war happened. Heero and Trowa made several passes around the street of the colony, driving slowly with the lights off, hoping to catch Duo off guard. But even in the questionable state of mind he was in, he did have the home field advantage and his considerable ability at not being found when he didn’t want to be. After an hour and a half with no luck, they decided to go back to his apartment to wait for him. He’d have to return there eventually. When they got there, they found the others waiting outside the front door. Heero scowled, "I thought we told you to go back to the motel." Sally stepped right up and glared at Heero not three inches from his face. "You did, but I don’t even take orders from Wufei and I’m not about to start taking them from you! I came here to check on Duo if he was here, and if he wasn’t, to say my piece and you—" she poked him in the middle of his chest "—are going to listen! You too!" She added, glaring for good measure at Trowa, who had, typically, stayed silent during the exchange. Unsure of what to say, Heero reverted to his usual "hn." "Good," was all Sally said. Then she continued. "Look, I don’t know if its obvious to you two or not. But Duo is all the way, absolutely and irrevocably, in love with the both of you." When it looked like Trowa was about to interrupt she said. "No. I’m not done with what I’m saying. So, as much as I’d like to hear you speak Trowa, you’ll just have to wait." Trowa closed his mouth and she continued. "This is not a speculation. This is fact." They looked toward Quatre who confirmed it with a nod. "He loves you both. Do you understand? And you are together. But not with *him.* And you’re staying at his apartment – in the same bedroom. And you can’t hide your relationship because he knows. So you have to make a decision and act on it. You either love him back and *tell* him and reassure him when he doubts or you don’t love him and as much as you want to be with him as friends, you *leave* and don’t look back because it is KILLING him to see you two together right in front of him unable to do *anything* about it." Sally’s voice had risen with each word, and she had gotten to the point where she was choking on her own tears. But she lowered her voice again and said, "He’s not as strong as he’d like to think. He obviously thought he’d be okay with this – Quatre said that despite himself, Duo was looking forward to sharing the apartment with you two. Otherwise we never would have lied about there being no vacancies at the motel." She could see that they weren’t surprised by her revelation and she hoped that was a sign that they’d wanted to stay at Duo’s apartment for a special reason too. "But Duo is torturing himself like this and I can’t stand to see him fighting himself anymore." Wufei had come to stand at Sally’s side during her speech and she now felt his comforting presence at her side. She leaned into the hand he’d placed at the small of her back, glad to have his support. She’d gotten more emotional than she’d meant to, but how could she have helped it? Just knowing *intellectually* what Duo must be feeling made her chest ache. Duo must be in constant pain! And she’d wanted those two to see some of that pain. Actually, what she really wanted to do was smack them upside their heads for being so oblivious, but she thought yelling at them might be the wiser choice. Both Heero and Trowa were in a state of shock after hearing Sally’s words. They’d both hoped that Duo would be interested in a relationship with them, but they could never be sure. But Sally had just revealed the fact that they knew – and they weren’t going to question Quatre’s confirmation – that Duo loved them both. "We understand." Trowa said. Sally looked ready to speak up again, but Heero stopped her. "Ryoukai," he whispered. And she knew that whatever the result may be, they wouldn’t let the situation as it was now, continue. +end part three+ Oh, and a special BIG thank you to Sharon (sharona@fast.net)! Your comment about Sally apparently gave her a bigger part than I thought she’d have. She literally took over my hand and wrote that speech herself!!! Domo arigatou (from both me AND Duo)!!!
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