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Something I Can Never Have Sally, Wufei, and Quatre went back to the motel, with promises that Heero and Trowa would let them know how Duo was as soon as possible. Heero and Trowa went in the apartment to wait for Duo and to discuss what they’d heard tonight. Trowa sat down on the sofa and Heero lay down with his head settled on Trowa’s thighs, looking up into his koi’s face. "I almost… can’t believe it’s true." "It must be. Quatre wouldn’t have confirmed it if he wasn’t 100% sure." "I know, Trowa. But… Duo never let anything on about it. During the war, we wouldn’t have done anything anyway. But after… he still didn’t say a thing." "But he wouldn’t have. He could see that we still weren’t ready to do anything. It was only after the pressure and dependency on us lightened that we got together" "He must have been shattered. Waiting and waiting – who knew Duo had such patience? – and then only to have us taken away by each other." "We should have known, Heero." Heero closed his eyes, as if unwilling or unable to face that truth. But Trowa said it again. "We should have known he cared for us. We saw it in each other. Why couldn’t we recognize it in him? And for so long… being apart from us when we could have been together. And… going back to L2, and retiring from active duty… he was trying to close himself off, Heero. From all of us. So he wouldn’t have to…" Trowa’s voice hitched, but Heero finished the sentence. "…so he wouldn’t have to hurt us. Or himself. But he *is* hurting himself." "No. *We’re* hurting him." "I know, that too." They both closed their eyes so as not to acknowledge the tears rolling down their faces. Duo climbed in the kitchen window. He wasn’t sure if they were waiting up for him or not, but he wanted to avoid them if possible. He opened and shut the window without sound and made his way to the kitchen door silently. Cracking it open a bit, he saw that they had fallen asleep on the sofa together. Trowa with his hand thrown over the back of the couch, his head tilted back, long legs stretched out under the coffee table. Heero was laying on his back on the sofa with his head in Trowa’s lap; face up, mouth open and snoring, his feet dangling off the armrest. He closed his eyes to cut off the pain and pleasure he got from seeing them that way, but it didn’t really work because he could see the scene even with his eyes closed. Duo walked silently past the sleeping couple, turning into his bedroom and closing the door behind him, never seeing the tracks of tears that had dried on their faces. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Heero woke up suddenly, as he always had during the war, and suspected he always would. His feet were numb and he winced, regretting his nap on the too-short couch. Wait – why was he on the couch? Then memory returned. Trowa was sleeping, dead to the world. And from experience he knew the taller man wouldn’t wake up for another hour or two, at least. He was *not* a morning person. Heero got up, careful not to disturb the other pilot. Wondering if Duo had even come back last night, he walked to Duo’s bedroom door and opened it. Sure enough, Duo was there, curled into a tight fetal position, still in his t-shirt and jeans atop the blankets. He had dark circles under his eyes and it was obvious he’d been crying at one point or another during the night. And Duo’s usually immaculate braid was coming apart, wisps of hair framing his face and escaping from the hair bands. He had a dark bruise on his left cheek and another forming on his left forearm. The ones there looked like fingerprints. Registering what that meant, Heero was thrown into a rage – who DARED to leave an unwanted mark on HIS Duo? Ignoring the fact that technically, Duo wasn’t quite HIS yet, he walked over to Duo’s bed and traced the bruises lightly. Heero wished he could have made them disappear altogether. He didn’t want anyone besides Trowa and himself to leave marks on Duo’s body. No one else had that right! In some part of his mind, he realized that he was being irrational. But the time had come to lay claim to Duo and have him lay claim to them, and NOTHING was going to get in his way. "Ryoukai," he whispered once again, then proceeded to turn Duo’s body onto its back. Duo’s eyes blinked open and Heero could see confusion in them. But he just whispered "shhh" into Duo’s ear and his eyes closed again. Heero brushed his soft lips over the bruise on Duo’s cheek, slowly caressing the other with the tips of his fingers. A shuddering breath was released from Duo’s parted lips, his eyes still tightly clenched. Heero leaned down to capture Duo’s soft lips with his own. He slipped his tongue inside Duo’s mouth and explored the depths of its wet heat. Duo tasted like the sweetest of fine wines; like this, he could happily become a drunkard. Duo’s breathing deepened and he gave in to the inevitable. It’s not like he wanted to resist anyway. He ran his tongue over Heero’s, tasting him, running his tongue around the inside of Heero’s mouth; returning the favor. The taste of Heero was as intoxicating as he knew it would be. Straddling Duo’s hips, Heero broke away from the kiss. He stroked Duo’s bangs away from his face and ran his hands down Duo’s shirt-clad chest. Heero could feel Duo’s nipples harden under the touch of his hands, along with his arousal under Heero’s ass. He ran his hands down Duo’s chest toward the bottom of his t-shirt, all the while rocking back and forth, slowly, on top of Duo’s erection. Duo moaned in appreciation, his eyes still closed. Then Heero was pushing the shirt up Duo’s chest, licking and leaving a wet path in his wake. But he stopped at the nipples, pausing to clamp his teeth gently around one firm nub and then the other, grinding down on him even as Duo arched up beneath him. Heero lifted the shirt up and past Duo’s head, throwing it to the side. He spared a moment to take of his own shirt before looking back down at Duo. Duo’s face was contorted into a grimace of pleasure, his upper body was arched into Heero’s talented hands and his hips bucked as he sought a continuation of pleasure. His chestnut hair was dark and damp with sweat, thin strands sticking to his neck and forehead. "You’re so beautiful, Duo." At Heero’s words, finally, Duo’s eyes opened. There were a million emotions raging behind those eyes. Apprehension, love, lust, desire, anger… but most of all – in fact, all that Duo could work out – was that he did not want Heero to stop. At that moment, he would have given anything to prevent Heero from disappearing like the dream he knew he must be. A shaky voice emerged, roughened from crying and yelling the previous night. "D—don’t go, Heero. Please. Anything… you want. Just… don’t let me wake up." Heero almost winced at the raw need in Duo’s hoarse voice, but he knew that would be the wrong thing to do just now. He leaned closer so that their lips were almost touching. "Shhh, Duo. I’m not going anywhere." Heero pressed a kiss to Duo’s lips, just skin to skin, to enforce his words. And Duo’s eyes closed again as he fell back into desire. Heero levered himself off of Duo, moving lower to stop in front of the button of Duo’s jeans. He opened the button and the fly, lowering Duo’s jeans to free his erection from its confines. Duo sucked in a breath when Heero’s cool hands touched his burning arousal. Then the hands were gone, but he could feel a teasing breath blow over his penis. Then all he could feel was ecstasy when Heero dipped his tongue into the slit at the tip, still not touching anything else, but licking at the moisture there. Just when Duo thought he could break through the haze that had enveloped him, he was thrown back into the morass of desire when Heero ran his tongue around the head of his penis. Duo arched up, trying to go deeper, to get Heero to take more, but Heero moved back as if he had anticipated the motion, his lips and tongue still enveloping only the head. Duo was moaning for more, his head thrashing from side to side on the bed, arching his hips up and then lowering them every few seconds. His hands were gripped tight on Heero’s shoulders. Duo wanted badly to wrap his hands around the back of Heero’s head and plunge into his warm, wet mouth, but the thought that Heero might disappear if he did held him back. Contrary to his senses, Duo still believed this Heero to be a dream. After having been denied something for so long, your sense of disbelief is greater when you are allowed to have it than when you were first denied it. Duo found it impossible to believe that this was real. There was no way it *could* be. Therefore, he must be dreaming. Duo shuddered and his hips lowered to the bed once again. That was when Heero’s mouth fully enveloped Duo’s swollen erection. With his lips wrapped around Duo’s cock, Heero sucked from the base up, slowly, to the head. Duo whimpered and bucked in ecstasy. Then Heero’s mouth was around him again and Duo could feel the back of Heero’s throat. Heero made swallowing motions and Duo felt like he was going to explode, when suddenly Heero’s mouth was gone. It was only for a moment, but Duo’s eyes snapped open in shock, just in time to see Heero swallow him once more. But then he could feel Heero’s fingers, slick with saliva, probing his entrance. And not even bothering to prepare Duo, he plunged two fingers in, somehow brushing them against his prostrate with unerring accuracy. And Duo was lost. He came in Heero’s mouth with a loud shout, Heero swallowing, his mouth still working Duo’s cock. As the last pulses of climax slowed, Heero removed his mouth and fingers, and sat up, looking at Duo who had collapsed bonelessly to the bed. Duo stared up at the ceiling in shock. He’d had wet dreams like this before, but they had never been like *this.* But Duo came down from his physical and mental high with a crash. He looked over at Heero who was licking his lips like a cat who’d eaten the canary and chased it down with a saucer of cream. A thought struck him. "This can’t be real…" "It is, Duo." He hadn’t realized he’d said it out loud. "It can’t be real… that would mean…" Duo wasn’t exactly sure what it would mean. He wasn’t thinking quite straight yet, but he knew it was something bad. He tuned his head away from Heero, trying to figure it out, and his eyes landed on the door. The one that Trowa was currently leaning against. Duo could see Trowa’s mouth moving, he knew that he was saying something, but all that Duo could hear was his own whimpered "Nooo." Duo felt his heart plummet to the bottom of his stomach. There was no hope for him. There never had been. HOW could he have forgotten? Even in Heero’s sweet and tempting embrace, he should have remembered. There was no excuse. His mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour and his eyes were wild and haunted, and suddenly he burst into motion. Throwing Heero off of him, he jumped off the bed, pulling up his jeans and fastening them in a rush. Then, not even stopping to look for his shirt, he picked up the leather jacket and boots lying near the dresser by the door, pushed past Trowa, even making sure not to touch him, and ran out the apartment door. Half way down the stairs he stumbled and almost fell when he remembered half of what Trowa had said. "Couldn’t you have waited—" Duo knew he must have been going to say something like "Couldn’t you have waited until I LEFT?" He must still have been sleeping on the couch when he’d hear them. God! He’d never meant to do this. He’d only wanted a taste of the dream he’d had for so long. He could truthfully say that he’d believed it to be a dream, simply because it was the one thing he KNEW he’d never be able to have in real life. But that was just an excuse. It wouldn’t change what had happened, or the fact that even if Heero had gone along with it, it was *his* fault. He’d asked him not to go… He’d betrayed his best friends… he was causing pain to the ones he loved the most… just like he always did. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Trowa paled. "What—" Heero punched the mattress to relieve some of his rage. It was only a temporary stopgap, but now all that mattered was Duo. "K’so!" Several seconds and deep breaths later, Heero continued. "I don’t think he even heard what you said, Trowa. It’s not your fault. I think he just heard what he expected to hear and ran." Trowa’s throat tightened. He’d just wanted to know why Heero hadn’t woken him up or waited for him to start this… What had Duo expected to hear? It was probably something a hundred times worse than anything Trowa could ever think to say. While Trowa had been stunned motionless thinking about what Duo might be doing to himself right now – mentally, not physically – Heero had been looking for his discarded t-shirt. Finding it, he tried to get into it, but his frustration was working against him. His muffled voice, coming from inside the shirt, said with urgency, "I’ve got to go after him. We can’t let him go this time." Trowa agreed, but said, "Let me go." Heero’s head popped out of the neck of the shirt. "By myself," Trowa added. "He needs to know that I want him too, because I think you’ve made it clear that *you* do." Trowa smiled ruefully. Then a thought struck him and he frowned. "Then again, who knows what he’s thinking in the state he’s in." Heero stared straight ahead, eyes unfocused. Then he looked at Trowa. "I didn’t tell him, Trowa… I didn’t tell him that I love him too." Trowa smiled and said, "We’ll have time for that. I’ll make sure of it. But right now, he needs me to go to him and forgive him. Even if he doesn’t really need to be forgiven." Heero nodded. "Go. I’ll be here." Trowa raced outside, searching his memory for a clue as to where Duo might be… leaving Heero to wait for both of his lovers to come home. +end part four+ ====================
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