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Something I Can Never Have Trowa searched all of Duo’s usual haunts for an hour with no luck. And all the bars were closed on Sundays, so he couldn’t be in one of those. Finally, he decided to pass through the park at Center Square and finally found him pressed up against the bark of a tree whose trunk was bigger than he was. His legs were folded, face pressed into his knees, arms encircling his legs. A position of self-protection. His black leather jacket was still hanging open, revealing Duo’s thin but toned chest. The boots he’d hastily picked up on his way out were still loose and unbuckled. There were no more tears now. They had been wiped away by shaky hands. Now, there was only despair and self-recrimination, along with a good dose of confusion. Duo couldn’t imagine why Heero had done it… he was with Trowa… Duo *knew* that they loved each other. Why would Heero do… that… with him when he had someone he loved in the next room? It didn’t make any sense. But in Duo’s ravaged and irrational state, he couldn’t put two and two together to make four. His mind was a jumble of thoughts, feelings and questions and NONE of them seemed to make much sense. His thoughts were short and broken; his mind following one line of thought only halfway through before switching to another. Trowa approached Duo as if he were an injured animal; wild and wary. He stepped closer, slowly, half expecting Duo to shoot to his feet and run off again. This time, though, Trowa would be prepared to chase him down. But it didn’t happen. Duo all but ignored him, keeping his head pressed against his knees. Trowa got closer and then Duo wasn’t able to ignore his presence anymore. He looked up, into Trowa’s face, but looked back down again. Trowa didn’t think it was possible to hunch over any more than he already was, but Duo succeeded in doing it. In Duo’s face, Trowa had seen confusion, longing and worst of all, shame. He didn’t want Duo to be ashamed of what he and Heero had done. It was unthinkable that Duo should be so shamed by such a loving act. He didn’t want Duo’s pain to last a second longer, but he couldn’t seem to figure out how to start. Instead of talking, he sat down next to Duo, his left side pressed up against Duo’s right. Duo had flinched at the start of Trowa’s movement. Had he been expecting an attack? Trowa thought that might be the case. But after the first second, he’d relaxed. Whether from the realization that Trowa was not going to attack him or in resignation because he felt he deserved the beating, Trowa didn’t know. He reached over and clasped Duo’s linked hands, pulling the right one into both of his and squeezing. Still not quite looking at Duo, instead looking out over the expanse of green in the middle of the metal colony, Trowa took note of how deserted it was. It was just after dawn on a Sunday. No one was out. Even the dogs and their owners had stayed in, snuggled under the warm blankets of their beds and baskets alike. Trowa said, loud enough so that he knew Duo could hear him, "You don’t have to run away from this." Duo made a choking sound and said in a hoarse voice, "You don’t understand, Trowa. I do. I can’t hurt you. You know I would do anything to avoid hurting you and Heero. You know that I didn’t mean for… anything… to happen. Right, Trowa? I mean, you understand, don’t you?" "Of course I do, Duo." "No, no. How could you?" Duo was barely paying attention to Trowa’s answers. He was too locked into the cycle of fear and longing to really understand what Trowa was trying to say. On Trowa’s part, he was too frustrated by his inability to find the right words to get his point across. "I betrayed you. Both of you. I shouldn’t have let that happen. How could I do that to my closest friends?" Duo finally looked up into Trowa’s bright green eyes. They were soft with understanding, but Duo couldn’t see it. You have to leave. You have to leave and never come back so I won’t hurt you anymore." By this time Duo was babbling, not really understanding what was going through his head, not filtering the thoughts that emerged. But Trowa slowly realized what was going on in Duo’s head; it was obvious that his past left him completely insecure in the area of real relationships and clueless about the workings of fate. He was convinced that somehow *he* was responsible for all the bad things that had happened to his few friends over the years. And from what they’d all seen during the war, betrayal was one of the biggest causes of death to friends and family. And how much more Duo must have experienced that particular hurt, even before the war. Living on the streets does not make for a safe and trusting environment. "Duo, I’m not leaving. And neither is Heero. We’re staying here, with you." Trowa’s reply sent Duo into a panic. He wrenched away from Trowa’s pseudo-embrace, getting to his feet in a clumsy motion. Trowa also rose from his seated position to a standing one. "Trowa! You *have* to! You can’t stay here with me! Look what I did! I hurt you. I hurt Heero. I’m going to end up hurting everyone. You’re not safe with me; you have to GO!" At a loss for calming and reasonable words, Trowa grabbed Duo’s shoulders and said the first thing that came to his mind. "Duo, I love you!" Duo’s mind just snapped at Trowa’s confession. But he didn’t break down at the words; he got angry. He got so mad that his rage could barely be contained. He pushed Trowa away from him, sending the taller man sprawling to his back on the grass. Trowa quickly sat up, but stayed there, not yet getting to his feet. Duo was in a blind rage and Trowa got the feeling he would attack anything at the moment, and Trowa didn’t want to have to fight him. He was sure they’d both come out the worse for it. "No! Don’t say that! You CAN’T love me!" Duo was completely driven by irrationality and a mass of various emotions that had been brewing in a pressure cooker for the past few years. All the things Duo had struggled to keep a lid on, with no one to turn to (or so he thought) were spewing forth without any resistance. He had no way, nor did he have the will to stop it. Jealousy, anger, hope, confusion, longing, along with Duo’s already warped sense of self-worth left over from his unfortunate childhood, had created a despair that was now crushing him. He sneered as he looked at Trowa’s face. "You don’t love ME. You love Heero. And you and he are going to go back to earth and live happily ever after with each other while your best FRIEND, Duo, lives out his miserable little life back on the godforsaken, pile of shit colony, L2." Duo’s voice was quiet in its rage, almost a whisper. Trowa could see how trying to be a martyr – sacrificing himself in the face of his friends’ love – had added to the warped view of himself Duo had. "No, Duo. That’s NOT what we want to happen. Both of us – Heero and I – we both love you. We want you to be with—" "Don’t LIE!" Duo’s hands were clenched and his chest was heaving with every breath he took. His face was flushed with the force of his rage and his eyes were narrowed, focused on Trowa’s still sitting form. "I KNOW what you’re going to do! You’re going to go back to earth and you’re going to look back at your little ‘vacation’" – he practically spit the word out – "with Duo and *laugh* at how pathetic he’d been to moon over the two of you all these years. You’re going to remark about how *amusing* it was that Heero got to FUCK me and how easy I was! Didn’t even put up a word of protest! And why would I?" Trowa was feeling sick from all the horrible scenes Duo was describing. How could he think those things? Did Duo *really* believe that’s what was going to happen? He hoped Duo was just lashing out… but Duo hadn’t paused and the things he was beginning to say made Trowa realize that beneath Duo’s strength there was someone who was hurt very deeply. "You don’t love me, neither of you do! Where WERE you?! Where were either of you when I needed you? Where were you when I needed you to love me?! When I needed someone? No! You have each other… you don’t need me. And I won’t need you! I won’t!" Trowa felt as if his own heart had been impaled on a stake. None of them had realized just how much Duo cared for – no, LOVED – them. And he’d kept it all to himself all this time. Trowa realized that he must have loved them even during the war, when neither he nor Hero would even have *considered* having or building a relationship. Because it would have interfered with their missions and their lifestyle. But, Trowa knew, that had just been an excuse for two people who could not bear to give up control of anything in a situation where their lives were completely out of control. A war is as good a time as any for a relationship – a REAL relationship, with someone who cares for you. And Duo had held it in, even then. Because he knew they’d never accept his feelings – that they weren’t ready to. "I’m sorry, Duo. We’re both sorry. We didn’t know how you felt." But that excuse was too little, too late and they both knew it. "You didn’t know? You didn’t KNOW? If you LOVED me, you should have known! You should have known somehow! Or you should have bothered to find out!" Trowa knew that it didn’t necessarily follow that if you loved someone, you would somehow know their feelings automatically. But he did know that Duo was right about trying to find out. He and Heero should have tried to find out about Duo’s feelings. They should have found out about HIM rather than leaving their friendship in its casual state where nothing was asked and nothing was told. "You should have known! You should have known!" Duo kept repeating the phrase, locked into his own pain. He turned to the tree he’d been leaning against and began to beat his hands on it. Trowa was frozen, unsure of what to do, what to say. Until he saw that Duo’s fists were coming away raw and bloody from beating them against the tree. He got to his feet and ran over to Duo, grabbing hold of his hands, preventing Duo from hurting himself anymore, even as Duo cried, cursing and screaming at him to let go. There was a scuffle with Trowa and Duo both battling for control of Duo’s hands. Finally, Duo slipped one clenched fist out of Trowa’s hold and punched the other man right in the nose. Trowa’s head reared back, the unexpected punch – and pain – distracting him for a second, and causing him to loosen his hold on Duo’s other hand as his own hands went to cup protectively at his bleeding nose. Trowa only staggered back a step, but Duo put some distance between them quickly. Wiping away the blood that was still trickling down his face, he began to approach Duo again. "Listen, Duo. All I can say is that we’re both sorry for not realizing your feelings for us. We’re not perfect. You, of all people, *know* we aren’t as perfect as we’d like to be. Or as perfect as we expect ourselves to be. We didn’t realize you loved us because we were blind, but that doesn’t change the fact that *we* still love *you.*" "We love you for all the things you did and didn’t do during the war, the way you were the glue that held us all together, the way you lightened our hearts even when we couldn’t tell you that they needed to be lightened. But most of all, we love you for who you are." Trowa shrugged and said gently, "You’re our Duo." Duo had been backing away with every step Trowa took in his direction, wiping his bloody knuckles off on his pants. With every word Trowa said, Duo would only cry more; his tears were silent, sliding down his face rapidly before dripping onto his leather jacket. It seemed to Trowa that he just might have gotten through to him. They had both halted in their circling dance. Duo wiped the tears away from his face roughly and his breathing slowed. Then Trowa took a step forward. It was a mistake. Duo hadn’t been ready for that. He stuffed his hand into his right jacket pocket and pulled out a pistol. There was a confused and hurt look on his face even as he aimed at Trowa and his finger tightened slightly on the trigger. "I don’t know what to think, Trowa. You say you and Heero love me, but I don’t see the PROOF anywhere! I don’t think I have it in me to take your joke anymore. I think you killed me when you lied and said you love me. I think Heero killed me when he fucked me." Duo’s voice was bitter. "I don’t know why you’re playing with me this way, but it isn’t funny anymore. It never was. I think it might be best if you just leave. We’ll put it all behind us like it never happened and I’ll go back to being Genki Duo, living on L2. And everyone will be happy," he said sarcastically. With that last comment, Duo looked to the side a bit, and Trowa used his momentary distraction to lunge at him. But Duo as also a product of his training and his head snapped back, his hand unconsciously aiming and firing at the target, even as his head and heart screamed in denial. Trowa seemed to drop in mid-air. One second he was lunging for Duo, the next he was on the ground with a hole somewhere in his chest, although he couldn’t tell exactly where the pain was coming from. It was nothing new, though, he’d been in this position countless times during the war. It had been a clean shot, the bullet going right in and out; it wasn’t lodged anywhere in his body, waiting to do further damage. At this point, Trowa still couldn’t tell where the bullet had gone in. His whole chest seemed to be on fire and he couldn’t tell if the wound was a fatal one or not, but he could feel the blood pooling under him. He opened his eyes – which he didn’t remember closing in the first place – and looked at Duo. Had Duo been shot too? He was doubled over in pain, clutching his stomach. Had the shot been from another threat? Trowa struggled to think, but it wasn’t working. Neither was it working for Duo. All he knew was that he’d shot Trowa. Shot Trowa. Hurt the one he loved. Just like he always did. Why did he always do that? Why did it always happen to him? After Duo’s first moment of panic, he became eerily calm. He walked over to kneel beside Trowa. Was Heero going to kill him now? Maybe it was for the best if he did. Trowa had been distracted by the pain, but at Duo’s words his thoughts snapped into focus. "It is NOT for the best and Heero is NOT going to kill you!" By the surprised look on Duo’s face, he thought Duo hadn’t realized he’d been speaking aloud. "I’m sorry Trowa, I didn’t mean to kill you." Perversely, this made Trowa smile. "I’m not dead, baka." When Duo looked confused at this, he said "You shot me in the shoulder. I just need to be stitched up and I’ll be fine." "But…" Now that Duo was where Trowa wanted him, he used his arm with the good shoulder to pull Duo’s face down, directly in front of his. It had taken a bullet in the shoulder to get Duo into a pliant state, but Trowa thought it had been worth it. "You owe me something, Duo, for this bullet in my shoulder," he said. Duo just nodded dumbly. "I want you to stay with me and Heero forever or until you stop loving us." "Okay." "Promise." "I promise." "What do you promise?" Trowa didn’t want Duo to be able to weasel out of it later. "I promise to stay with you and Heero forever or until I stop loving you," Duo repeated. "Good. Now go get a doctor." That seemed to wake Duo up a bit and he ran to the nearest phone booth to cal for an ambulance since both he and Trowa had left their cell phones back at Duo’s apartment. Then he called his apartment and told Heero to come down to Center Square, double time. Five minutes later, Heero was there, checking Trowa’s pulse while keeping an eye on Duo as he waited to flag down the ambulance when it came. He could see that Trowa was going to be fine, all he needed was a few stitches. There would need to be physical therapy, of course, but it was nothing they hadn’t gone through before. Heero listened when Trowa quickly and quietly explained everything that had taken place after he’d left the apartment. Heero just nodded. He didn’t go with Trowa in the ambulance because, of the two, Heero thought Duo was in the more critical condition. And not because of his scraped knuckles, which had been bandaged by the paramedics. He was still in a bit of a shock, staring after the ambulance as it left. "Duo." Heero’s voice called Duo back to the present. Duo turned to look at him and Heero wondered how things had come to this. As much as it had seemed that days had passed since this morning, it had only, in fact, been a few hours. The sun wasn’t even high in the sky; the park, in spite of (or maybe *because* of) the gunshot, was still deserted. To everyone else, this was just a typical Sunday morning. Where everyone slept in because there was nothing more satisfying than sleeping late. But for the three of them, life had abruptly changed. Years of hidden emotions had exploded in the space of a few hours. And nothing would ever be the same. Heero walked toward Duo and pulled him close into his arms. Duo’s body was stiff at first, but when Heero refused to let go, he eventually gave in and relaxed. Heero settled Duo’s arms around his neck before wrapping his own arms around Duo’s waist once again. They stood like that for a few minutes, just breathing, before Heero took one hand away from Duo’s waist to stroke his unkempt braid. Then he whispered into Duo’s ear, "I love you too. I know Trowa told you that we both love you, but I thought you might need to hear it from me too. So, I just wanted to tell you… aishiteru." Duo sucked in a breath at Heero’s words and hugged him tighter, but didn’t say anything. Heero knew that Duo didn’t believe them just yet, but he wouldn’t go back on the promise he made to Trowa. Heero wondered if they’d ever hear Duo say that he loved them. +end part five+ ===========================
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