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Statistics "Bored. I’m bored. How could I be bored? We just got back from a mission. We haven’t been here for more than an hour. How is it possible to get bored in that small amount of time?!" Heero brushed fingers through his dark hair. Was it possible that Duo’s ingrained resistance to sitting still was *contagious*? No! No, don’t panic. "Duo is NOT contagious." "Then why have you been picking up his bad habits?" "I have NOT!" There was only a knowing silence in reply. "What habits have I *supposedly* picked up?" "Well… you’ve been smiling a lot more lately than you ever did during the war. You’ve smiled a lot more lately than you ever have in your life!" "Hn. Well, he tries to make me laugh. I can’t seem to help but react." Heero glared. "And it’s just a quirk of the lips, not a smile at all." "Uh-huh. Sure." "Hn. I thought you said it was a BAD habit." "Well… you used to consider smiling a bad habit. You would glare every time Duo so much as twitched his lips in your direction." Heero’s brows furrowed with the memory. "That doesn’t count. That was during the war. I had to maintain my Perfect Soldier persona." "Are you saying it was just a facade?" "Hn." Heero didn’t answer. Instead he asked, "Is that it? Smiling is all I’ve picked up from him? If that’s all the proof you can muster up, I’m not listening to your arguments – they are obviously based on incomplete data. You haven’t even provided statistics. Hn." "There goes Exhibit B." "What? What is Exhibit B?" "Didn’t you just talk up a storm? You never used to talk this much. Not even during mission planning! And that’s saying something. And you want statistics? I present Exhibit B, Point 1: You’ve been talking to me for approximately seven-and-a-half minutes. That’s 80% longer than you would have engaged in a conversation at the beginning of the war – and your acquaintance with one Duo Maxwell. It is also 50% longer than you would have lasted at the end of the war, and 29.5% longer than at the conclusion of the Mariemaia incident." Heero would have spluttered in righteous indignation, but the Perfect Soldier didn’t splutter, so he glared instead. "And that’s not all. I present Exhibit B, Point 2: You’ve used exactly 111 words in this conversation, so far. Accordingly, that number is 73% higher than at the beginning of the war, 52% higher than at the end of the war and 39% higher than at the conclusion of the Mariemaia incident." "Omae o korosu!" "Which brings us to Exhibit C: Use of the ‘I will kill you threat.’ Your average is currently 1.65 times a day. That’s down from 4.93 one year ago, 9.27 two years ago and 17.79 three years ago." "Omaeokorosuomaeokorosuomaeokorosu!" "Calm down! Who knew you could be so petty? You’re doing quite well, I ASSURE you. Really, you’re improving by leaps and bounds! The Perfect Soldier can do whatever he puts his mind to, right?" ============= Heero’s face did not reveal the panic that had overtaken his mind. So -- it was TRUE. Duo *was* contagious. The Perfect Soldier would not allow anything to affect his missions; it would not due to catch anything that was contagious. Instead of focusing on what his mission was, or on whether or not it would be advantageous for him to have Duo’s light-heartedness rub off on him, Heero focused on the assumption that ANYTHING contagious was -- 99% of the time -- bad news and definitely something to be avoided. And he stated as much. "Anything contagious is to be avoided to ensure mission security. If it is true that Duo is, as you say, rubbing off on me, then I have to correct the problem immediately." "Heero!" The voice screeched. "Are you listening to yourself? You sound ridiculous and you make no sense -- there are no more missions! We’ve finally achieved peace, the wars have been over for years!" Heero glared. "Ongoing peace is not a guarantee. You of all people should know that." Then he stalked out of the room. A breath blew out in frustration. Shoulders slumped. Duo walked into the room, anger plain on his face. It was obvious he’d heard everything. "For chrissake Relena, what did you think you were doing?! You know you can’t get anywhere with Heero if you go and tell him that there are no *missions* anymore! And he was right, anyway -- there are *always* missions -- even if they are self-assigned now that we’ve got the good doctors out of our hair." Relena smiled ruefully, shoulders still slumped. "I know. I went too far with that last part. But I got so frustrated, Duo! He just doesn’t listen to what I’m saying. Sometimes I wish he didn’t have such a thick skull! Maybe then I could bash a few things into his brain!" Duo smiled in sympathy; he could have gone on for hours about Heero’s stubbornness. But he had something else on his mind; his gaze turned suspicious. "Why were you battering him with all those statistics anyway? You know we didn’t accept your offer to stay here with you because Heero WANTS you to bother him. I thought you said you were going to stop chasing after him, anyway. What happened to that?" Duo’s voice trailed off, but he continued to talk to himself. "Shoulda known better. Now we’re going to have to move again, just when I got settled and was getting so used to the food here! Man, I’m REALLY going to miss the cooking!" "Duo!" Relena’s shout cut into his ramblings. She lowered her voice back to its normal level and said, "I’m not trying to sabotage you, if that’s what you’re thinking." She could see that he *had* been thinking that. "Really, now, Duo. You know I always stick to my word. I said I’d stop chasing after Heero and I have. I realized that Heero didn’t -- doesn’t -- love me the way I’d like him to. And that I’ve been interfering... a bit... in your relationship." She still couldn’t understand that, though. How could the man not love her? What was not to love? "So, I decided I’d try to get Heero to admit his feelings for you. That is, to bring you closer together." "What? He wouldn’t admit feelings for you, so you figure you’ll get him to admit feelings for SOMEONE? Even if it *is* Duo Maxwell?" Duo sneered at Relena. Relena glared back, not wanting to admit that the thought *had* crossed her mind a time or two. But that was beside the point. "The point is," she glared, "that I’m on YOUR side now. You should be grateful for the ally. It isn’t going to be easy, you know. After all, how long have you been trying to get Heero to admit his feelings for you? And you’ve yet to succeed." That was true. Damn the stupid, snobby, can’t-mind-her-own-business... onna! Duo winced. He’d noticed lately that he’d started picking up Wufei’s favorite insult. Maybe... maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Duo blew out a breath and his bravado faded, leaving his shoulders slumped and his whole demeanor defeated. "You’re right, Relena. Maybe... Heero just doesn’t love me the way I love him." Unable to look her in the eyes, Duo missed the look she shot past him. "No, Duo! Don’t say that! I know he cares for you. I could quote you the same statistics I told Heero -- they’re all 100% true, you know." "I know, Relena, but... maybe he only considers it his mission to act a bit more normal now that the war is over and he thinks that by adapting some of my characteristics he’s... adjusting... in some way." "But Duo, if he’d wanted to appear to be normal, he could’ve come to ME. After all, heterosexual pairings are much more accepted by society than homosexual ones. And you’re still... you know." Relena blushed, making vague circular motions with her hands. Duo snorted in amusement. To see the Queen of the World blushing over sex was one of the most ridiculous sights he could imagine. "Yes, Relena. We’re still... ‘you know.’ In fact, we’re ‘you knowing’ about 86.3% more than at the end of the war, so I suppose he doesn’t see me as just a stress relief." Relena looked a bit uncomfortable with the confession. She hadn’t really wanted to know. But she nodded and made a few encouraging sounds in Duo’s direction. Unfortunately, Duo had slipped into the downward spiral of self-doubt. "Unless, of course, it’s because normal life is more stressful than war-time life. Which, in the Perfect Soldier’s case, is not inconceivable." "Duo!" Ohgodohgodohgod. Heero -- had he heard? ============= Heero had stalked away from Relena, secure in the knowledge that the Perfect Soldier would take care of everything. Wait... Did he WANT the Perfect Soldier to take care of everything? Heero went over Relena’s points... smiling more, talking more, threatening less... it sounded like Duo WAS rubbing off on him. But -- as much as the Perfect Soldier hated to admit it -- those were some of the things he liked best about Duo. The things he... loved about his koi. In fact, those were the things Duo did that made the weight he seemed to carry on his back feel much, much lighter. In no polite terms, Heero told the Perfect Soldier to sit down and shut up. And he went back to apologize to Relena for threatening her... and to ask exactly HOW she had come up with those statistics! But as he opened the door to the room, he heard Relena yell Duo’s name... and then their discussion of his feelings toward Duo. He could barely believe what he was hearing. Only Duo’s deadly serious tone told him it was true. Did Duo really think he was only using him as a stress relief? Hadn’t he made his feelings toward Duo clear? He had thought them painfully obvious to anyone who cared to look. Enough! He couldn’t take it anymore! "Duo!" Duo turned around with a panicked look on his face, one he couldn’t hide from his lover. He didn’t even see when Relena stepped out of the room with a satisfied look on her face, and Heero closed the door behind her. "Do you really think that’s how I feel about you?!" "I-- I--- M-maybe. I don’t know! I’m not sure WHAT you feel about me! You’ve never told me!" Well, Heero thought, he hadn’t, had he? "Duo," Heero said gravely, "gomen nasai. I-- I thought you knew." Duo panicked. He could almost see his life draining before his eyes. "Kn-- knew w--what?" "That I love you." Duo’s breath whooshed out as if he’d been punched in the stomach. He’d never really expected to hear it. "You... love me? Hontou ni?" "Really. I love you with all that’s in me. All that I am and ever will be." "I-- I love you too Heero! I love you so much! I was so afraid you didn’t love me the way I love you!" And with that he jumped into Heero’s arms, nuzzling his head into Heero’s neck, squeezing him tight, as if he’d never let go. Then he was back on his feet, grabbing Heero’s hand and pulling him toward the bed, practically flinging him on it. Duo straddled him on the bed, placing kisses all over his face and neck, then on any bit of bare skin he could reach, all the while whispering "IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou" interchanged with bouts of "IneedyouIneedyouIneedyou." And everything was alright because Heero was saying the words back -- several hundred percent more than he ever had before. ============= Outside, Relena quickly pulled the glass away from the door. Now that THAT was taken care of, there was no need to listen to them... you know. She was ecstatic for them, of course, but also a little disappointed. Not that she’d never have Heero... she’d realized far earlier than they thought she had that Heero and she wouldn’t suit. But... she hadn’t even gotten to use Exhibit D: Use of the Yuy Death Glare (63% less than at the beginning of the war, 57.8% less than at the end of the war, and 48.2% less than at the end of the Mariemaia incident), or Exhibit E: use of "Hn" as subject, noun, AND verb in the same sentence (55% less, 42% less, and 34% less, repectively). At least he hadn’t asked for the statistics on use of the word ‘baka.’ She had it on good authority that the figures on that had gone UP rather than down. Apparently, as Wufei had told her, Heero used it as some sort of endearment. Boys. Who could figure them out? ========================= |