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This Love I awoke gradually, letting my senses open and take in the state of my surroundings. The sheets were warm from my body, soft from many washings, the mattress cradling my body. I was huddled under the sheets like a cocoon. I let my awareness extend and could hear the silence of the pre-dawn hour. Only crickets were making noise outside. The birds not yet chirping. The bustle of the morning was still to come. And I could hear the deep breathing coming from the bed above me. Inhale. Exhale. It was steady rhythm that, in the twilight hours, I could count on. What had woken me up? A dream? That I had somehow lost track of when I opened my eyes? A scent? On the breeze flowing into the room from the slightly open window? Heero would glare at me for opening the window after he’d gone to sleep. Security and all that. But it had been strangely stifling in the room that night and I felt like I was going to suffocate. It was either open the window or go out. And I didn’t want to go out. I wanted to stay in… where Heero was. Even if the other pilot was sleeping. This love… that I feel for the reserved Wing pilot… This love is a strange love. I pull back the covers slowly. I have to be careful not to make any startling sounds, and yet still act naturally so Heero doesn’t wake up. After years of training yourself to be wary of nighttime visitors because you might wake up dead one morning, you sort of know when people are sneaking around trying not to wake you up. Making my way over to the window in the adjacent wall, I stand to the side of the curtain, being careful not to make a target of myself. As quiet as the night is, it isn’t necessarily safe, and old habits die hard. I lean against the wall, cooling my warm flesh. And I admit, at least to myself, that it isn’t the heat keeping me up at night. Nor is it a scent from outside the open window, or a dream. Or even a nightmare, which I might almost welcome to the truth of the matter. It’s Heero. Or more specifically, thoughts of him. It’s the dance we dance, him leading me around by my heart (among other things). Not even knowing that he’s got me in his grip, and unaware that its even him I’m following. I want to wake him up to the feelings inside me that *almost* burst through about a million times a day. But… I’m content to be his best friend to be close to him and to affect him in the ways that I do. To be on the receiving end of the rare smiles and the not-so-rare smirks he bestows for my eyes only. This love... I would do anything for it. For Heero. Even force myself to be content with his friendship when I’m dying for so much more. But our relationship is a close one. Not as close as I’d like it to be, of course, but close enough. It’s only me who wants more. Only me who is left feeling… unsatisfied. It’s because… I’m afraid. Afraid of what Heero would do if he found out. Would he reveal that he felt the same way? All along? And I’d been wasting all this angst for nothing? Or would he feel sorry for me? ‘Gomen, Duo, but… I don’t feel the same way. I don’t love you.’ Could I take that kind of rejection? Sometimes fear outweighs hope. The risk too great for me to comprehend. With three words my whole world could fall apart. This love... it isn’t worth the risk. Oh god, how I DON’T want that to be true! I want it to be worth the risk. It IS worth the risk. But fear can be debilitating. Especially when you’re Shinigami and you kill everyone around you and you’re afraid to lose the one you love more than life itself. Just the thought makes my stomach and chest cramp in pain and I have to fight down the urge to gag as I feel the bile rise up in the back of my throat. I’m so disgusted with myself, my own fear and cowardice, that I almost don’t make it to the bathroom before throwing up what I had at dinner tonight. When there’s nothing left I flush the toilet and move over to the sink. Tears run down my cheeks but I wipe them away with cold water and brush my teeth to get the metallic taste of fear and disgust out of my mouth. I look up into the mirror, but have to look away quickly to avoid the face in the mirror. Exiting the bathroom, I look up into Heero’s dark blue gaze. He’s waiting for me, as I knew he would be. There’s no way he’d sleep through his partner running to go hurl in the bathroom. "What’s wrong?" he asks. If he only knew. "Might’ve been something I ate" I said, trying not to lie. He doesn’t look like he believes me. "You left the window open again." "Aa. Gomen." I said, taking a step over to close it, but seeing that he’d already beaten me to it. I go over to the bottom bunk and sit on the mattress that has since cooled from the lack of body heat. I expect him to climb back up to his bunk and go to sleep again, but he surprises me by sitting down next to me. "What’s bothering you, Duo?" Ah. A more specific question this time. Not something I can really avoid by playing word games. I look toward the window, where the light from the not yet risen sun has lighted the sky a bit. Avoiding his eyes I answer. "It has nothing to do with the mission, Heero. Or the war. Just leave it be." That makes him mad. He grabs my shoulder, turning me to look into his face. "I didn’t say it had to do with the mission or the war." He spit out. "I’m asking YOU what’s bothering you! I want to know. I want to help make it better!" God, his concern goes straight to my heart and makes me feel worse even as it makes me happy to know that he cares about me. I look into his eyes. He’s not going to let it go if I don’t stop trying to avoid it. "I... it’s not something I can talk about right now, okay? I just c-can’t." My voice hitches a little, betraying me. My expression betrays my desperate need for him to drop the subject and I look at my hands clasped in my lap. "Okay, Duo. For now. But we WILL discuss this." He glares at me to emphasize his point before climbing up to his bed. "Now go to sleep," he says, "and don’t open the window." A few hours more of sleep and I’ll be like new. No one will know I’d ever thrown up my guts during the night. Except Heero. This love... is worth everything. =====================
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