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Universal Secret Do people really understand what it feels like when you say things like "I don’t want him to think I’m weak"? Do people realize that *that* feeling is more of a motivator than anything you can say to yourself? It’s like a mother’s protective instinct toward her child. A woman who would otherwise never lift a hand to anyone in anger or violence could kill, or worse, to protect her child. I could let a lot of things go if I were alone… but letting him see me weak or humiliated… nothing could be worse. I don’t expect him to save me from anything – I don’t even WANT him to save me. I’d much rather save myself, if possible. But that day, I just stood there, looking to the side, trying to ignore the hurtful words she said. I don’t know why I didn’t fight back. I’d like to think it was the shock that prevented me, but I have a suspicion it isn’t really true. There would be no way to tell unless it happened again and I’m not going to go looking for another experience like that. So I stood there and took it, ignoring it like it wasn’t happening. Unsure as to whether I wanted him to take notice or not. Once he did, though… I waited for him to do something. Like it was his responsibility! It’s MINE! MY responsibility to defend myself from anything that might hurt me! I don’t know if you can understand what rage and contempt I felt for myself for depending on him. Not that I can’t depend on him, but it wasn’t something he should have had to do! I should have done something! And then shame. Shame, most of all. Because I didn’t defend myself. I didn’t do ANYTHING. Because I looked to him to save me when it wasn’t his responsibility, nor was it his PLACE to do that. Because he’d seen me in my moment of pathetic weakness, frozen with disbelief and indecision. Ten seconds into her tirade, the words didn’t matter anymore. What mattered was that I didn’t DO anything. Now, of course with hindsight being 20/20, I can think of all the things I should have done or said… but it’s all too late. And the worst part is that he *did* defend me. Perversely, not as much as I would have liked, but he did. And I, the one who could have done so much more in my own defense, did nothing. So now he knows I’m weak and scared and pathetic, and that I don’t even value myself enough to defend myself! You don’t love people like that. You pity them and try to help them because you know they can’t help themselves. But you don’t *love* them. How could you? It’s pathetic. *They’re* pathetic. *I’m* pathetic. Especially because he’s so strong himself. He would never have let her talk to him that way, much less stand there while she said all those things! But now there’s nothing I can do. My secret is out. +OWARI+ |