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Worth the Risk This love… is worth the risk. It’s been a few months since that time that I threw up my guts during the night at whatever school we’d been hiding in at the moment. Heero hasn’t since pressed me about what was really going on that night, but I know he hasn’t forgotten. At least twice a week he’ll wake up for one reason or another in the middle of the night, usually getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. Of course, he just uses that as an excuse to check on me, whether I’m sleeping or lying there awake. I’m not sure what he expects to find. Me, choking on my own vomit or something? That only happens if you’re unable to regain consciousness after you’ve thrown up. How do I know it’s just an excuse? Well, it could be an educated guess -- can you just imagine the Perfect Soldier having to get up to use the TOILET in the middle of the night? Nope. Didn’t think so. Besides, he goes to the bathroom before going to bed, just like a good little boy. Anyway, like I said, it COULD have been an educated guess. But it’s not. For all that he’s the Perfect Soldier, sometimes he’s a bit absent minded. When he thinks I’m sleeping -- which is most of the time, although I’m really just half-asleep -- he forgets to flush the toilet. And since it’s all nice and tidy when I use it in the morning, I get this feeling that he doesn’t do anything in there. I’ve been careful not to let my emotions get a hold of me like they did that time. I even scared myself – I hadn’t really realized exactly how turbulent my feelings had gotten and the point to which they’d built up. And I don’t want to worry Heero any more than he already is. I’d decided about a week ago that I was going to have to come clean to Heero. To save my own sanity along with his. He can’t keep worrying all the time that I’m going to crack. And I—something made me realize that it would be better for both of us, in the long run, if I told him how I feel about him. I guess it just hadn’t hit me that he could die. I mean, I’ve always known that I could die any day in this stupid war. And I guess that was part of the reason I decided I had to tell him my feelings. If even the most of Heero’s feelings for me are that of a best friend, he deserves to know that I cared about him deeply. That someone cared about him. That he’s not alone in his fight. Maybe one day he’ll be close to the other pilots and accept their offer of friendship, but right now I’m all he has. But I never thought he’d be the one to die. He’s the Perfect Soldier, remember? He doesn’t die. After countless attempts at self-destruction to complete the mission, he hasn’t died yet. And for all the wounds and battle damage he’s received, none has ever been really life-threatening. Not for him, anyway. Maybe, in some odd and incomprehensible way, that’s why I felt safe to love him – that since he was the Perfect Soldier he wouldn’t be affected by the Maxwell curse. Until last week. I’m almost ashamed that it took a near-death experience to make me realize I should reveal my feelings, if only so that neither of us will have any regrets when we die. If the Maxwell curse is going to be the death of him then I might as well tell him why. Because I couldn’t stop loving him now to save my life, or the colonies, or even Heero’s life. If I could, I just might, to save Heero’s life. Last week our mission was to completely destroy an OZ base that used to be an old Federation base on the outskirts of a town They were testing a new prototype reminiscent of the ZERO system and none of us wanted a system like that in the hands of a friend, much less an enemy! But since the start of the war, the town had expanded enough to be called a city, which had grown right around the base. It was now situated practically dead-center of the city. But orders are orders and we knew we couldn’t let that prototype be mass-produced. We set the charges in the base, hoping that the firefighters would get there in time to stop the inevitable blaze from spreading too far into the city, but not really believing it. But someone must have seen us or something because someone pushed the panic button and soon people were doing what they do in these situations – panicking. They called their families and friends, warning about the imminent destruction, telling them to get the hell out of Dodge and quick. Soon, police lines were jammed and there was a city-wide panic. People were coming out of their houses, either fleeing with their families or rioting in the streets. Their panicked reactions actually caused the thing we had wanted to avoid. There was no way firefighters were going to be able to get through the mobs. They couldn’t just run the people over, and the streets were packed from end to end and there was NO room to get through. We had separated when we left the building, thinking it might be easier to slip away. We planned to rendezvous at Copper Plaza off of Baron Street before getting back on the road and finding a new safehouse or school to crash at. But after seeing the rioting and the panic in the streets, I got a really bad feeling. Turning down a side street and breaking into a run, I headed toward the rendezvous point. I stopped at the Plaza, only to find a lynch mob with Heero in a noose. His left arm was hanging limply from his side. I couldn’t tell what had happened – if it had been broken or shot, I didn’t know. The other hand was between the rope and his neck, holding a bit of slack between the two. Apparently, they were having fun watching him squirm to keep breathing. It couldn’t have lasted for too long, though. Heero was already losing blood from a gun shot in the right arm. I made my way through the shadows and behind the trunk of the tree he was hanging from. Catching a branch, I quickly climbed my way up. Stopping on the branch just above Heero’s, I pulled my gun out of my belt and sited down on the leader of the lynch mob. I pulled the trigger, killing him and sending the rest of the people into a panic. I put the gun back and hopped down onto Heero’s branch. Pulling out the dagger I kept in my boot, I cut him down. The way adrenaline was pumping in my veins, I could have carried him out to the truck we’d readied for our escape, but he was at least half conscious and I didn’t think he wanted me to. Just a day in the life of a gundam pilot, ne? Even now, Heero’s almost a hundred percent better. I don’t know why this particular incident would stick in my mind and force me to come to the conclusion I should ‘bare all.’ Maybe I was just ready, as I hadn’t been a few months ago. The door creaked open and the light flicked on, stinging my eyes. “Duo? What are you doing sitting here in the dark?” It was time. “Anou… you see… saa.” I blew out a breath and covered my eyes with a hand. It was harder than I expected it to be. Heero came and sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. [1] “Are you ready to talk about it?” I looked up at him and saw the patience in his face and suddenly it was easier. “I— I just wanted to tell you that I— I love you.” He had this sort of stunned look on his face and he kept blinking his eyes. I looked away, sure that this was the rejection I had been so afraid of. All of a sudden I wanted to throw up again. I tried to swallow a lump of fear but my throat seemed to be swollen. My words seemed to echo in my head ‘IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyou’ and the silence of his reply. I think I began to hyperventilate a little because the next thing I knew Heero’s lips were on mine. But he wasn’t trying to breathe air into my lungs, he was kissing me. KISSING ME? Heero was kissing me? I had to take advantage of this, even if it was going to be the last thing I ever saw. My brain hadn’t caught up with what was going on yet. I kissed him back with all the passion and longing that had been packed up and shut away inside me, like C4 going off. And I didn’t let go of him until we both couldn’t breathe anymore. We broke off, gulping in air, and I looked at him with a mixture of horror, fear, hope and want on my face. He’d caught me – Duo Maxwell, chatterbox extraordinaire – speechless with his action. He looked at me again with that patient gaze and said, “Baka. I love you too.” For all that I’d dreamed he felt the same way, that he’d say the words, I didn’t really expect it and I sat there looking at him all bug-eyed and gaping like a fish. He snorted and leaned close to whisper, “Does this mean I can stop pretending to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?” I spluttered, feeling like a fool. “You— you knew!” “Of course I knew, Duo. You snore when you sleep.” “I do NOT!” Deciding I’d had enough of him cutting me off at every turn, I tackled him to the bed and whispered, “Does this mean we don’t need to use bunk beds anymore?” Heero smiled a wicked smile, full of promise. This love… is DEFINITELY worth everything. ================ BGM: Initial D ~D Selection~ Soundtrack
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